morning pages

it's october. the summer faded, smeared like acrylic paint onto canvas. i don't think i've fully processed summer two thousand eight. ha, such a process head. this time, i just went along for the ride. went to any place my mind and my heart wanted, freely. i will say, it was the best i've ever had. yes. truly the best summer of my life. was it the people who were in it? was it the places i traveled? the museums i got to walk in? was it the connections i made? even the ones i broke? was it because before the summer started, i mouthed the words. spoke them out loud to a womyn i had just separated from? what ever the reason i state, and maybe they are all of them, or simply none of them... the journey was sweet. the end had a pinch of bitterness, and everything i did i would never take back.

i contemplate these things on a saturday i don't have class. but i'm up, listening to portishead. the oil is burning and vanilla candles are lit around me. i am preparing to write a few pages before meeting with ashley in the mission. my cousin just sneezed and i hear her, through the thin wall that separates our rooms from each other. later, kg is coming over.

i'm happy about the quietness i'm trying to have now. i realize i need to leave things behind. some of the work i tend to take home with me, both literally and figuratively is taking a toll on me. anna spoke to me about the ways i hold weight on my shoulders. that even when there is no stress, because i don't get enough sleep, i feel stressed out. things may seem bigger, than they really are. she isn't the first to point this out to me. kim told me once, that i have this huge heart that is attractive to people. they are drawn to it. they want to be around it. but there are also those who are attracted to my heart, that will cause me pain. she gently talked me about how to protect this heart of mine, without compromising the ways i truly move in the world. because if i stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve, i wouldn't be me, anymore. hmm.. now with a full load and even bigger job to do with these young people in oakland, i need to contemplate how to be more aware of my energy. my intention. most especially where i choose to give my energy and time to. yes, october has opened up and the rain has washed the summer away, smeared like a acrylic paint onto canvas...

i'l leave this morning page, with a painting that causes me both extreme pain, but simultaneously allows me to remember a time of practicing patience. one that encouraged me to tap into the deepest strength i thought my body could ever muster.

and survive.... it all.



a song to open my working session to...
adele's "make you feel my love"