how long it's been

.. since my last post. 

i'm up and decided to scribble a bit before getting into a hot shower. i cracked this week. or should i say last weekend. under the pressure, the lack of adding that 25th hour into my days... i cracked. i cried. i tried to distract myself with mostly positive things, but certainly the things that took me away from writing and staying on point with school. work has been been consuming. i've had moments of complete exhaustion, but mostly the fatigue has been phenomenal moments in teaching. i love the youth i work with. i love the job i have. i strongly dislike the attacks on urban education. i've been frustrated by the readings in my classes because i live these disparities, these struggles daily... and fighting can feel hopeless. not always. but it get's there. and oh... did i hit that wall.

i don't want to say that it hasn't been a great two months. i've been healthy in my outlook on love. i finally picked up a book everyone and their mother has been recommending to me. that may sound sarcastic considering how this blog began, but i'm falling out, waiting to have some time to hold it in my hands... and read. it's bell hooks, "all about love." we'll see by the end, what places the words tak me. you would think, from all the reading i already have to do--i'd go for a walk. take a nap. or do jumping jacks, i'm not sure in what order. i've been needing to exert energy from all this noise blasting in my chest and thumping in my head. dispel, please.

i'm looking forward to having the day off tomorrow, to read it, be at the beach. BE SILENT. mostly just BE, 

with her. 

i'm realizing over and over again, that for now-- things will feel hard. that i need to let go of what my mom thinks about me and my thesis writing. that i have to pass these last two ime courses, if i even want to see the stage and feel my hood on my back. that i'm weak and broken from the weight of school and the realities of work. that i can get---tired.

i told myself, to ride this wave out because i've never been a girl that avoids feeling whatever it is, i feel. i know i'm trying to get to the other side. where i'm productive again. where i'm not avoiding my professor because i'm trying to act as if i have everything under control. that i've lost my way a bit and avoidance has been counter productive, and has only been hurting me more than anything else. i'm finding that i'm not alone. that there are so many people in my life that believe in me, plant new seeds, and hold me in ways they probably don't even know they do... 

i'm going to get to the other side.... by just... 

going through it.