inside, out

stella im hultberg "bruised"

"beep"

the toll plaza spikes the same sound it always does as my wip crosses an imaginary start line. i'm making my way towards the bay bridge. the left and right lanes are merging. the sun has set making the sky a combination of dark blue, orange, yellow, red. it's a clear night. the entire city scape can be seen. i am driving into a post card.

i think to myself, how many times i've crossed the bay bridge. looking to my right to take in one of the most romantic cities in the united states. this view, i've experienced at different points in my life. each time, the city never looks the same. i'm driving into this wonderful postcard melting into its figures, becoming a small piece of san francisco.

i'm sitting at brainwash now. on the way here 280 didn't need the lights from cars, or the lights coming from the small lined up boxes of houses stretching on the sides, but illuminated from the orange moon above. these images drew me in, they hold me so that i can be silent. cradle my very soul into her arms and be whatever i need to, for the moment.

lately there has been so much chaos, and i'm shifting through the pieces. which belong to other people? which are ones i've created from banging on pots, tables, walls, and glass? i wrote the most honest piece i could, earlier today. in a space designated for she and i. the layout changes, as we do. progressing. creating the story that is us.

i am choosing to write into the late hours. there is a full week of work ahead, and if the months coming look anything like the first week back... i'm all in. teaching days have been amazing. a beautiful struggle. i'll be teaching the pass class alone after the fifteenth, and i've never felt stronger. i've never felt more blessed. today i'm putting in some much needed creative time. a new journal. a new commitment to my own digital space. this blue line i'm getting on.
on.. towards....

..
..

the months coming will be about seeing a vision, all. the.way.through. academically, professionally, and creatively. i realized how people in my 360 fit into those pieces, and i in theirs, will speak to how all my relationships will unfold. i admitted something very deep to myself today: that i feel undeserving. that i am so use to battling to love, to be loved, to make sense of shapes outside of the traditional, comfortable box i watch others fit themselves in, i feel inadequate in the areas my closest friends would say, i'm my strongest.

i'm working this out. starting from the inside, out.

i feel every imprint on my skin, on my character, in my speech. they move through, and despite the fact that this wave was riding me in the beginning... i'm starting to be completely present in it. somehow, riding this tsunami...
smiling.

i have faith.. that all the pieces will fall,
i with them
and the vision inside my heart
will articulate onto a page
into my world

into



now.