oh thesis my thesis

This morning it was hard to get up. The first rainfall. I heard the typical sounds of family getting ready. Bedroom doors opening and pipes waking up. My brother is taking a shower. I hear my Dad's footsteps. Downstairs he makes a large pot of coffee. It is now a little past five a.m. The bedroom clock underneath the room I'm staying in, automatically goes off. It is playing radio joints. Oh yeah, that's Kanye. I bury my face into my pillow. I remember the dream I had last night, but only in chopped up scenes. The beep of the house alarm and the closing of the front door happen next. Everyone is gone and I am laying there in bed wishing I could take the day off. Impossible of course. Besides the intense teaching schedule, I am a new employee and I get no benefits. No sick time. No insurance. Well, until three months. I am trying to make an impression, best believe. But that's not what I'm writing about-work. I think I did that yesterday? Switching gears.

Back to it...

So this morning---the weather was a clip from the movie Love Jones. It was a glimpse of Sleepless in Seattle. I wanted to enjoy the rain for sure. I got up from the warm covers, and was soon in the bay area traffic towards the O. The day went well. Teaching was fun. The students laughed from the public speaking exercises I had them do. The Art of Communication had our teacher ally cracking up! Walking back to the office, I tried to avoid the huge puddle on the corner near my car, but ended up still dipping both feet in. Luckily, I was wearing higher cut boots so my socks didn't get wet. My skinny jeans were soaking with raindrops, my red umbrella flipped. None of that got me down though. I started the morning, wanting to enjoy the rainy day. From my office window, I could see the trees sway and I drank another cup of Vietnamese coffee at about four p.m. I had driven in the rain all day, but felt really good. All I could think about was how much I wanted to come here: on the blue line. Take my imaginary train ride, since these days I do a lot more driving, than chasing trains. Oh but wait.. so why the title of this blog?

I was getting myself ready. You know for some serious me time post work. There was a stack of mail on my bed. Let's see, I get paid on the 15th which is two days away, and I'm pretty sure... yup.....I've already spent my salary. Yes. In that stack of envelopes, were two important documents. Two words: student loans. There it is. That kind reminder from the universe, that I have a thesis to complete. I joke that my current salary is equal to the loan I took out to go to the University of San Francisco. I'm not sure whether to celebrate or cry at that. As I flipped through the Chase Loan Payment Book I had a moment. One, that I am not ashamed to admit happened. I'll even be bold to write, "yo it's not the first time." I wondered to myself......Am I in the right profession? There it is. I said it. Blame it on my back pain, but that's real. A conversation of higher and lower self. In the fight for better schools, the transformation of self and the students I teach, and in the struggle to work towards positive change in an urban city with strong youth leaders/allies...... I at times question--- if I will be able to take care of myself. Or be able to give my parents a home in the Philippines. Or stop living paycheck to paycheck. I wonder if I'll be that board member that can donate $500 to support the amazing non-profit work going on in San Francisco. Is it wrong that I have these thoughts? This shouldn't be confused with the not wanting to be here. Oh trust, I appreciate every moment I get to be a part of that team. I am simply trying to find a healthy balance between what feels like conflicting thoughts, and where my heart dedicates it's labor.

Oh thesis my thesis.. I wanted the title of this blog, to remind me that you exist. That my financial aid checks will need to be addressed to Chase by next month. I hear you calling for me, sweet thesis of mine... I got you.


I'll be over soon.
and if I'm not,
please bring backup.